Diamond in the Rough.

I was inspired by the "Ugly Duckling to Beautiful Swan" thread over at Soompi Forums to make this blog post. Also by the Boulou Boulou post about teenage dreams. (I'd link them, but I'm kinda lazy... Google is your best friend?)

But then I realised, I never really considered myself an ugly duckling. In elementary school, I was bullied by so-called 'friends' (children are f'cking vicious) and kinda rejected. I didn't really have any close friends. Rather than feel like it was my fault though, and rather than feeling down on myself, I started watching my little classmates. I knew, absolutely knew that others were not prettier and smarter than me. I started watching my classmates, and realised that those who were more "popular" and didn't get teased were the ones who were more bossy, more confident.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, little Cyn, at f'cking 10 years old, discovered what all these behavioural psychologists with Ph. D. discovered.

So entering high school, I resolved to fake confidence (my thought process at the time was that, if I didn't have enough knowledge/smarts to be confident, neither did these other kids. Yeah, I do have a bit of an ego and a superiority complex) in order to stop the bullying and teasing. It worked (if Zuuchini really believed what she said she did in her blog post, then I guess my fake confidence really did work!!)

But yea, though I may have been cute in elementary school, something happened in high school. I didn't look that great, but HONESTLY, I don't think I looked that bad. I'd look in the mirror and, yeah, I didn't look like a movie star, but somewhere deep inside me, I never believed I looked ugly. I just never thought words like "beautiful", "stunning", or even "pretty" applied to me.

I was never the type to give half a shit about what I was wearing (still kinda wish I didn't, but social norms do prevail in my choosing a wardrobe) and when I look at old pictures of me, it kinda shows a lot.

I don't know when the transformation to "swan" began. But probably on entering college, and realising that people (guys, namely) actually judged you on your appearance (thanks to a good guy friend). Between high school and college/now, I probably lost about 20 to 30 pounds (not that I really paid attention to that, I never thought I was fat, or needed to lose weight until recently.. like after my weight loss. How ironic is that?) and now spend anywhere from 20 to 30% of my income on material goods that make me supposedly "look better". What do you think? Worth it?

2005

2010

Personally, I'm a bit bothered by the fact I put so much emphasis on my looks now. It's something that I shouldn't be spending 20 to 30% of my income on (makeup, clothes, jewelry, whatever else...) when it's not something that's majorly responsible for my boost in self-confidence... (explained below).

In terms of emotionally/psychological development that came along at the same time as the physical development, I'm a lot less shy. I was a f'cking shy kid (I remember I wouldn't even say the word "fuck" in elementary school... vs. now, I'm swearing every two sentences; this blog post is proof) and wouldn't even talk to people out of necessity. Now I'm just babbling away. I'm still a bit shy and nervous when having to ask for something, but it's buttloads from how I'd been as a kid. I also think (or rather, I'd like to think) that my confidence has matured to the point that I don't need to flaunt it. On the whole I feel as though I'm a better person, but I do believe that only maybe 10 to 20% of my confidence comes from an improvement of my looks. The majority of it (maybe 40 to 50%) comes from better support from a larger network of friends/family/acquaintances; another big part of it comes from acquiring experience from a job (20 to 30%). Interacting with a wide range of people makes you realise that even though some people do judge you by appearances, there are many, many more who just don't give a shit if you look average or beyond. This belief is at the core of my understanding of social interactions and I behave in consequence (by not giving a shit either and placing myself squarely in the "average" category), so it inevitably throws me off when people remark on how good I look or say that I am pretty/beautiful/hot, etc.

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a feminist, and I don't think that a woman can (or should) attract a man just by virtue of being 'hot', 'sexy' or 'cute'. I model myself after the woman who can do things by herself, knows when and how to get dirty, and is not afraid to roll with the guys and even beat them at it. So that, I would consider my biggest change from high school 'til now: I ain't a damsel in distress anymore, but a worthy sidekick to help you navigate your adventures... and maybe even steal your limelight ;)

Fuck, I'm just rambling now. This post jumps all over the place.